cruel life
As another Scary Movie Saturday winds to a close, I sit at JJ's computer thinking back on this past week. Of course, most of my thoughts are on my long post that was just erased a minute back. I really hate that. Seeing as how most of you will never see the full 2 page post I put up, I will try to summarize as best as my memory serves.Suicide. It is a topic not talked about much because of the many things that surround it. Listening to Elliot Smith not only makes you feel moody in a quasi-suicidal way, but it brings out irony. To those of you who did not know this, Elliot Smith killed himself in the worst way possible, and his music was almost like the forbearer of things to come for him. Is suicide shameful? I don't have the right to answer that question, because I have never had someone close to me die in such a way. However, I do think that on many levels, it is wrong for a person to die that way. If you think me cold, then you shouldn't read on. My reasoning for this is because you leave so much of your life.....unattended. Take for example an elderly woman I knew a few years back. Her husband killed himself after learning he had terminal cancer. Should he have left the woman he loved behind, making her responsible to clean up the messes he had left? When I say "messes", I mean more than one....think plural. She had to start a seemingly new life without the man she loved for most all of her life, and that pain was evident when I would come to visit her. She had nothing left but a dog (sorry Amy) to keep her company, and her sorrows were falling on deaf ears (dogs aren't really deaf, but they can't understand like humans can, and as for speech, one bark means "yes" and two means "feed me"....three is.....dang....can't remember). Now, I know of another person who has faced the effects of suicide, but in a different manner. This woman I knew probably never again found someone to love as much as her husband, but the person I know now is in a situation where she can love again.
I'm not going to go into specifics about who this person is, but I am sure that most know who it is. How I came to know this girl is also another story, but I do tie into this spindle in one way or another. What I can say though, is that the pain that comes along with losing someone is great. My mom and I were talking about this the other day. Death happens every time we turn around, but do we blink an eye? No, unless the death is close. What I mean by that is that we never bother to shed tears for those who die in great disasters or wars, even though it is sad that people do die. However, a death in the family or to a close friend translates into great pain and sadness. That is what these people feel when they have someone close to them die. This girl that I know, felt immense pain (and still does), but when it comes to loving again...it's hard, if not harder.
My other post (the one that was deleted) dealt with the handling of this type of situation, but I am kinda glad that it was deleted, because I often feign knowledge, and this is one situation where I couldn't fake, no matter how much I wished I could. From my limited knowledge though, there are many things that I have learned.
The first being that it doesn't matter how much you feel you can change situations, it isn't up to you (I have to learn that the hard way....every....single....time). Second, being second does nothing for your self-esteem (try not to think "egocentric" when you read that sentence). What I mean by that, is when you love, and fail (which is my next point....just wait), you begin to think that you aren't good enough, not just for that one person, but for anyone. You become a shell of what you once were. Thirdly, someone once told me, "It is better to have loved, and lost, than to have never loved at all." All I can say to that, is it may hold some truth. But once you have lost, the pain is so great that you feel like your love has been soaked up by a sponge. What follows is: regret, remorse, self-pity, and sleep deprivation (all of which are cured by coffee). Lastly, you are not alone in these battles. I have gone through it, and still am. There is not a day that goes by that I don't feel some sort of pain for losing a battle that I shouldn't have fought. I don't regret the things I have done to get to where I am, but I wish the outcome were different, and I will continue to wish for quite some time.
Wishes and Dreams are not what they seem, for reality is harsher still. When we realize our daily battles with the hopes that may never come true, are lost, we fall into a pit of despair. In that despair, we learn (grudgingly) to hold on to that one reality....that we are humans. Fallen since the beginning, we hold on to God and the hope that love is a reality, not just a dream.
-luke
posted by brodie @ 12:45 AM
4 Comments:
first!
Suicide is a pretty selfish act. Even if you know you aren't going to hurt anyone (maybe you don't have any family or friends left), you are killing yourself to be rid of pain. Your pain.
Suicide is what miserable people do who don't know God. They have no reason to believe their life has purpose or that they are loved by anyone. We know that's not true for us.
i agree amy, but that is something that has yet to happen, because in my case it's how it is on my post.
yeah, maybe the outcome will never be known?
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